Run For Your Wife: Norovirus For The Soul

A few months back we had thousands of copies of Bula Quo! left on our doorstep, here at the Abandoned Video Shop. Well someone must've thought that was a good idea, because now we've had thirty thousand copies of Run For Your Wife dumped on us. They came with a note that said : Every copy in existence, please look after them.
After we had dragged them all in we thought we might as well have a look. And as Old Reg said : "Bleedin' hell this makes that Bula Quo thing look like The Godfather."
And was he ever right.
Written and directed by Ray Cooney ( Let's name and shame ) Run For Your Wife is a farce in every conceivable aspect, except when it comes to humour. Cab driver John Smith ( Danny Dyer and he is ) gets bashed on the head and his weak attempts at bigamy come unravelled with hilarious consequences. Yep, chirpy chappie John has two wives and I'm losing the will to live just telling you about it so imagine how bad it is to watch. Both of our Saturday help twins, Leslie and Lesley had to leave due to vomiting brought on by abject boredom. The thing is this film is not just outdated and a complete laugh free zone, it stinks on every level ever invented. And it is not like you can pick out the terrible performances, everyone is at it.Neil Morrissey as best friend Gary has never been worse and Denise Van Outen is so bad she physically left a smell behind her while we were watching.
"Is that you on the pickled onions again?" I said to Old Reg.
"No it's her she's so bleedin bad," he said pointing at a gurning Ms Van Outen.
And there is Danny Dyer stuck in the middle of all this, just as terrible as everyone else, only he's on screen longer so he seems worse. The only bright spot in this, like a fifty pence piece stuck in a dog turd, is Sarah Harding's midriff. It is on show quite a lot and could hold its own in a much better film. ( And all films are much better than Run For Your Wife. ) Add to this Devil's goulash a million  walk on cameos from a million actors who should know better and you have the Gold Standard dreadful film, all it really needs is an Adam Sandller US remake to top off the whole experience.
We have now put all the thousands of copies of Run For Your Wife with all the Bula Quo's in the deepest, darkest room in the Abandoned Video Shop and firmly locked the door. Let's just hope they don't breed.
The Owner

We Are Open Again After An Emilio Estevez Crisis..

It has been a while since we have had any communications here at the Abandoned Video Shop, but we had a major problem. One of our walls started to bow ( the shop is seriously showing its age ) sending our complete Emilio Estevez collection crashing down. Sadly Old Reg was having a snidey fag and was buried beneath thousands of copies of Maximum Overdrive, Wisdom, Men At Work and Young Guns II. I told him smoking could harm his health, but he never listened.We were naturally very concerned, being trapped under that many bad films can cause all sorts of damage and Old Reg is, as his name gives away, old. Me and the two Saturday help twins Leslie and Lesley shovelled away The Breakfast Club and St Elmo's Fire by the score and all the time we could hear Old Reg's groans. Much like the groans he let out when he watched Wisdom.
  It took many hours but we finally pulled him out battered and bloody.
"Emilio Estevez came to me dressed as a bleedin' angel," Old Reg said as we dragged him out feet first. "He saved me bleedin' life."
We didn't really have the heart to tell Old Reg he had just been in an Emilio Estevez landslide. So we let him go on thinking he has a saviour who was in Repo Man.
The Owner.

Stitches Ruins National Video Month

Well National VHS and Beta Video Month was a disaster at The Abandoned Video Shop. Just as we though we had solved the problem of the thousands of Bula Quo! copies that were dumped on us. A similar thing happened with a film called Stitches. Twelve thousand were left at our door, totally blocking us off from the outside world. The Quo thing was bad, but Stitches was worse. We watched a copy and to say we were not impressed is an understatement. Ross Noble, you know that lethargic comedian off Have I Got News For You, plays a seedy, down at heel children's entertainer / clown Stitches. Well he hates kids, a fresh take on things there, and goes to a birthday party full of little brats and ends up dying in a very nasty manner. So years later Stitches comes back from the dead to cause murder and mayhem at the same kids sixteenth birthday party. I'm bored writing about it, but you can imagine how dull and gory it all is. Ross Nobel's performance is a master class in apathetic disinterest. And his delivery of the films, flat on their face, zingers is a wonder to behold.
We put up a big sign saying Take these videos please. But more kept turning up. We could now build a three bedroom house with the copies of Stitches we have.Please no more. We need help!
The Owner

Bula Quo! Problems Mar The National VHS and Beta Video Month

Who would have thought the twenty seven thousand copies of Bula Quo! left mysteriously ( although Old Reg called it maliciously after watching the film ) on our doorstep should cause such problems on the first Saturday of National VHS and Beta Video month. Our plan was to give the first twenty seven people through the door of The Abandoned Video Shop a thousand copies each. Well you have never seen such rude and ungrateful people at being given a thousand videos in your life.
"A thousand?" The first customer said. "What am I going to do with a thousand of these bloody things?"
"Give them as presents," I suggested.
"I don't hate anyone that much," he replied and wandered off.
"Perhaps we should bleedin' well give them one copy each," Old Reg said and I nodded seeing the logic there.
Well you have never seen such rude and ungrateful people at being given a free video in all your life. And a copy of Bula Quo! hurts when it is thrown at your head believe me, it hurts nearly as much as watching it.
So after a quite busy first Saturday of the National VHS and Beta Video Month, we now have twenty six thousand nine hundred and eighty five copies of Bula Quo! still up for grabs. So it looks like you won't have to rush if you want one.
The Owner.

The Opening of National VHS and Beta Video Month!

I left the booking of the stars, who are coming to The Abandoned Video Shop, to sign their videos, this month to Old Reg. Well it was his idea. As he put it: " You get a lotta these idiot geeks in if you've got old stars coming."

So I was very excited to see the list of  stars Old Reg had coming for National VHS and Beta Video Month.

"Wow," I exclaimed on scanning the list. "Sly Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Arnie, Kurt Russell,Rita from Coronation Street."

"Yep,"Old Reg smiled proudly. "And they all look like them as well."

"Look like them?" I asked. "What do you mean look like them?"

"Lookalikes," he said still smiling proudly.

"The real people are not coming?"

"Course not," Old Reg said shaking his head. "As if you can get Rita from Coronation Street just like that."

Oh well, so if you want to see some top rate lookalikes why not pop into the Abandoned Video Shop this month.

Oh yes, before I forget, just because it is National VHS and Beta Video Month, that doesn't mean we are a dumping ground. Last night someone left twenty seven thousand copies of Bula Quo on our doorstep. So, under the principle that if fly tippers give you lemons, make lemonade. We will give the first twenty seven people through the door tomorrow a thousand copies of Bula Quo each. That is on a first come first serve basis.

The Owner

 

 

 

Wake In Fright : Don't Watch Just Before You Go To Bed

Our mysterious supplier, at The Abandoned Video Shop, Mr. Apollyon recently brought in a new batch of videos for National VHS and Beta Video Month.And I can't tell you how excited we are by it.

"Watch this one," he said handing me a video. "It's good."

If Mr. Apollyon says it's good, then it is.

"Wake In Fright?" I said looking at the vivid orange cover. "Don't think I've heard of it."

"It's an old 70's film. It was lost," Mr. Apollyon smiled. " And now it's found."

With that profound sentence still hanging in the air he left.

"This rings a bleedin' bell," Old Reg said reading the back cover as we sat to watch it. "But I think it was called somethin' else."

Wake In Fright is more than good, it is an unnerving classic. Gary Bond plays John Grant a school teacher in the Australian Outback, who sets off for Christmas in Sydney. But makes the big mistake of staying over night in the mining town of  Bundanyabba. John reluctantly gets sucked into the dark world of the Yabba, as the locals call it. Firstly by gruff, hard drinking and unnerving  local law Jock Crawford ( excellently played by Chips Rafferty. Who Old Reg said was a mate of his way back.) After losing all his money gambling John is stuck in the Yabba and ends up spiralling down in the company of Doc Tydon ( a fantastically  creepy Donald Pleasence ). His days become booze fuelled and manic, and you do feel the heat, the flies, and decidedly hung over watching Wake In Fright. The mad thing is, John is not dragged down by cruelty, but by kindness. He is welcomed everywhere with smiles and copious amounts of booze. Try one of those film drinking games with Wake In Fright and you might not survive. At the dark heart of the film is a savage, nasty night time kangaroo hunt, that in any other film would seem vicious and unnecessary, but here it fits perfectly as we all spiral down together.

Wake In Fright deserves to sit with other rediscovered classics like The Wicker Man. The only thing, don't make the mistake I did and watch it just before you go to bed. If you do, a fitful night of disturbing dreams await.

The Owner.

National Video Day Is Here!

We have been a little quiet at The Abandoned Video Shop lately because we have had a little referb. But we are back open this Saturday because, as you no doubt know, it is National VHS and Beta Video Month in May. Yes, following National Record Shop Day, or whatever that thing is called. The more successful video equivalent is here. Just as the vinyl records are taking off with faded hipsters and bandwagon jumpers. Then why not video? Now I mean all you lot who think the muffled sound of vinyl is great, then why not go back to the raw edge of video ( VHS or Beta )? Why do you need the crystal clear, crisp edges of  Blu Ray when you can have the savage reds and blurred faces of video. It is how films are meant to look. Yep, so ditch the new technology and celebrate with us. When you buy that old LP for fifty times the price you got rid of it for in the 1990's, so why not pick up all your old videos? Come on it's not that different and you know it.

So keep tuned in as we will be announcing some big stars who will be signing their videos at the Abandoned Video Shop in the month to come, as National Video Month will make the Cannes Film Festival look like a Knobbly Knees Competition at Pontins.

The Owner.

Invasion of the Musical Rats Part One

We have had a bit of bother here at the Abandoned Video Shop. We have been infested with 1980's Musical rats. I know that sounds a bit odd, but things can get a bit odd around here. You see we have quite a few of rooms  and over the years we have closed a lot of them up. Especially as demand for VHS faded. Although it has never faded from our hearts, has it? Anyway, me and old Reg would gather up all our surplus copies of a film, that is any over fifty and just dump them in a room and, well, seal her off for good. Much like the Ancient Egyptians did, only they did it with bodies and riches not old VHS tapes that no one really wants. One such room contained all our no longer needed copies of Footloose and Dirty Dancing. We closed it up and thought no more about it until last  week; when Leslie, one of our Saturday help twins, came up to us and said she could hear musical  squeaking coming from a room. Me and Old Reg went to listen and sure enough Leslie was right.

"It Sounds like Let's Hear It for the bleedin' Boy," Old Reg said, with his ear pressed firmly to the door.

"We've got 80's musical rats," I said as the squeaks changed to The Time of My Life."

"They've eaten all the bleedin' copies," Old Reg said.

Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but VHS tape not only records, but embodies the film itself. So if you eat it, the film becomes part of you forever. Now don't try this at home, because every film can have its hidden hazards. Besides tape doesn't taste that great, believe me. But this is something that doesn't bother rats.

"What that noise?" Leslie said.

It was a collective, unnerving scraping sound.

"They're dancin' like Kevin bleedin' Bacon," Old Reg said a look of concern crossing his craggy face.

"What does that mean?" Leslie asked.

"It means we've got trouble," I replied.

The Owner

TO BE CONTINUED...

Burke and Hare: Beware of Them.

"Look at this!" Old Reg shouted holding up a battered looking video cassette. And that is saying something at The Abandoned Video Shop. "It's Burke and Hare."

"I didn't even know we had that," I said of the cheap 70's British horror film.

"I'm bleedin well in it," Old Reg smiled with pride.

So we sat down and watched it, Old Reg was all fidgety like he had worms.

"So who do you play?" I asked.

"I've got about five parts as I remember."

The film started with one of the worst theme songs you will ever hear.It didn't take me long to realise time hasn't been kind to Burke and Hare. The cheap period sets did battle with the cheap period costumes.

"How much did this film cost?" I asked Old Reg.

"Not a lot," he grumbled. "But we made the most of it."

We pressed on as Derren Nesbitt and Glynn Edwards hammed it up glouriously as the titular grave robbers Burke and Hare.

"I could tell you a thing or two about Derren Nesbitt," Old Reg smiled lost in memory.

As the film was littered with pretty young women, I didn't really want to hear about Old Reg and Derren Nesbitt's antics.

"There I am, as that fruit seller," he shouted. "Bleedin' pause it."

But pausing the tape just made the picture worse.

"Well that was me."

I took Old Reg's word for it, who would lie about being in this film.

I was finding Burke and Hare unwatchable. But Old Reg was yammering about trying it on with Yutte Stensgaard and Francoise Pascal.

"Both slapped me round the face," Old Reg said sullenly. "and Yutte kicked me in the balls to boot."

Old Reg would fidget and shout "there I am". But it was impossible to make him out as policeman, student doctor, or brothel customer.

When it finally finished Old Reg let out a sigh and said  "They don't make 'em like that anymore."

"Thankfully," I mumbled under my breath.

"Now I'm gonna find more bleedin' films I was in," Old Reg shouted disappearing into the vast labyrinth of cassettes we have at the Abandoned Video Shop.

The Owner

Sharknado : Old Reg Jumps the Shark.

 

 

Who don't want to see a bleedin' flick called Sharknado? The owner of the Abandoned Video Shop, that's who. He told me to watch that rubbish by meself, well his loss.

I think Sharknado is based on a true story, because I seem to remember something like that happening. You see a massive storm hits L.A. ( Los Angeles, not Little 'Ampton ) and loads of sharks come in land and get swirled up in these tornado's, hence the name of the flick. They don't just throw this old rubbish together you know. And you learn things from these flicks, who knew sharks could not only thrive out of water, but fly quite well. David Attenborough don't tell you that kind of useful stuff, you have to get it from bleedin' Sharknado. Anyway, it's also about a family torn apart (at times literally ) coming back together through the every day adversity of hungry, flying sharks. The cast is mainly actors whose careers will never take off and those on the slide. You don't star in Sharknado if everything in the garden is rosy now do you? The special effects are some of the best I've seen, but I didn't have me bleedin' glasses on, so I could be wrong there. The end got a bit silly, two people cutting their way out of a shark was a bit far fetched, spoiling the well researched authenticity of all that had gone before. No matter what you think of Sharknado, I know I'll feel a little more weary next time I walk around Eastbourne pier.

Old bleedin' Reg. 

Twixt : A Tale of Two Coppola's.

"Well there must be two bleedin' Francis Ford Coppola's," Old Reg said after we finished Twixt the second film we pulled out of our big box of videos given to us by Mr. Apollyon. And I have to agree with him. Twixt was written and directed by Francis Ford Coppola and it is not only a million miles from his best, this might well be his worst.

Val Kilmer plays Hall Baltimore a down on his luck horror writer, who while on an unsuccessful book tour is asked by the local sheriff ( Bruce Dern ) to view a body in the morgue. I'm sure it happens more than you think. Well this leads to all sorts of dull, inconsequential  shenanigans as the film lurches and lumbers  making the 90 minute running time feel interminable. Baltimore starts having nightmares haunted by Edgar Allan Poe ( Ben Chaplin ), these dream sequences look like all the stuff that was left on the cutting room floor from Twin Peaks. And only adds to the complete lack of suspense that pervades Twixt.  The whole thing is not helped by Val Kilmer who gives sleepwalking through a performance a bad name. There's not much point in saying much more, only that if you are ever unlucky enough to have the opportunity to watch Twixt, just refuse the offer. Decorum forbids me telling you what Old Reg thought of it.

The Owner 

Byzantium : Vampires Doing What They Should.

Every January Mr. Appolyon brings in a big box of videos and slings them on the floor saying :

"See what you two make of that lot."

In truth me and Old Reg enjoy this yearly ritual, it gets us away from the Dolph Lundgren and Molly Ringwald videos we spend all year tending to at The Abandoned Video Shop. We look at that box of vids as our Cannes Film Festival.  

The first one Old Reg picked out was Byzantium. Our hearts sank a bit when we saw it was vampires. These days vampires are all callow youths and doe eyed girls, but thankfully Byzantium  wasn't like that.

 "Gemma Arterton's in it," Old Reg said trying to sound matter of fact but he has had a crush on her ever since she wandered around in those cut down jeans in Tamara Drewe.

Anyway Gemma Arterton and Saoirse Ronan play Cara and Eleanor a particularly blood thirsty mother and daughter  who take up residence in a run down Hastings hotel, like they wouldn't be spoilt for choice there. They are hiding out from a shadowy group of uber vampires, yep there's always a shadowy group of uber vampires. But, just for a change, there is a very involving and quite complex flash back story. Director Neil Jordan (this is his best film for a while ) keeps the whole thing moving at a fair old pace and it is well played by all concerned. But it is nice to see vampires back doing what they should, ripping things apart and bathed in blood. Edward and Bella wouldn't last two seconds with Cara. Byzantium got our box of videos festival off to a good start. But as Old Reg said : "There are a lot bleedin' worse things in Hastings than vampires."

The Owner

The Once Mighty Fall

Even though I own The Abandoned Video Shop I take no joy in the closure of the last Blockbuster stores. I passed  an empty one the other day and it was a sad sight. Going out to rent a title has now died and I'm surprised there is not a little bit more lamenting the loss. Remember back, when it was an exciting thing going to Blockbuster and seeing all those titles, all the new releases all lined up. OK, Blockbuster put an end to most of us little video shops, like the Internet has put pay to them. But going out and getting a film was an experience. Even when the one you wanted wasn't there, you wouldn't come away empty handed. Alright, you could get a stinker, but you could also discover a gem. We've all done that and revel in the joy of watching it again a few hours later. So what now? Download, order up, watch and you haven't even left the settee. Where's the fun in that, you haven't earned the film, you haven't gone and got that specific one, held it and felt a tinge of achievement. You haven't shown any enthusiasm or effort just pressed a few buttons. Then the film is served up like fast food. Something we have all done for the past thirty odd years, OK in diminishing numbers, has just died shouldn't we all feel just a little sadness?

The Owner 

What's A Video?!

I went to look in a few Charity Shops on Saturday, like most people do. And if it isn't old women behind the counter, it is usually a couple of gormless looking teenagers. No doubt getting some cushy work experience under their belts. Well that is what faced me in one charity shop.
"'Ere what's this," one of the idiot teenagers said holding up a video cassette.
"Dunno," his moronic mate replied. "Is it one of them vinyl LPs or something?"
With that the first teenager launched the video in the bin. I was shocked, like they had just thrown a bag of kittens into the river.
"That was a video!" I shouted.
They looked at me like a was an idiot or something.
"Do you know what people watched before videos?" I continued.
They shook their heads.
"Nothing. It was endless terrestrial dross. Then came video and everything changed."
They looked uncomfortable and even the smelly customer, which all Charity Shops have by law, left swiftly.
"A whole wonderful world of film opened up for everyone lucky enough to own a VHS and if it wasn't for that video cassette you just disrespected," I pointed at the spotty, gormless gitt. "The world would be a colder,sadder place. Everything your nasty generation holds dear is due to the video."
I stopped and proudly stood my ground.
"Get lost you nutter or we'll call the manager," the bigger of the two sneered.
"Yeah get lost grandad," the other piped up.
I wanted to say get the manager  but they looked feral enough not to need him.
"You can have this then," one shouted and threw the cassette at my head.
I looked at the video, on the ground, after it had bounced off my bonce, it was Rocky IV. I picked it up and dusted it down.
"Come on," I said to it. "You're going home."
And I took it back to the Abandoned Video Shop, here it now sits happily with the other two hundred and fifty copies we have of Rocky IV.
The Owner.

Strippers vs Werewolves : How Far Did You Get?

Mr. Apollyon brought  a massive box of videos into The Abandoned Video Shop this week.

"What are those?"Old Reg asked him.

"Strippers vs Werewolves," he replied.

"That sounds bleedin' good," Old Reg said excitedly. He likes werewolves and loves strippers so he was obviously enthusiastic.

"How did you get so many?" I asked Mr. Apollyon.

"Someone got me to invest in the film," he replied a scowl crossing his face.

"Did you make much money?" Old Reg asked.

"No."

"Bet you're not talking to that bloke anymore," Old Reg replied.

"No one is," Mr Apollyon said flatly

A shiver ran down my spine.

"Well enjoy," Mr. Apollyon said. "Or try to."

With that he left.

"Well stick it on," Old Reg said happiest I'd seen him for a while.

It didn't last long. Five minutes in and we both were very glad we wasn't the person who got Mr. Apollyon to invest.

"How many bleedin' people from Eastenders are in this crap?" Old Reg said all enthusiasm evaporated.

We turned it off after ten minutes shaking our head and looking at the big box of videos.

"I don't think anyone could've watched that to the end," I said.

"I still like strippers though," Old Reg said.

"I'm glad," I said. "Now let's go burn the rest of them in the backyard."

"Good bleedin' idea, at least they will keep the rats warm."

The Owner. 

Terrible Tales of the Under Basement 3

The door of the under basement was a jar and an eerie light was pulsing from it.

"I don't remember that door bein' open," Old Reg said.

"What from thirty years ago?" I replied as if he was the idiot he is.

"I've got a bad bleedin' feelin' about this," Old Reg said as we edged down the stairs.

The twins had obviously had a party in our absence and the under basement had been raided. Now we had to see what the damage was.

I gently pushed open the busted door and was bathed in a red light, it seemed to be coming from the row after row of neatly shelved video nasties.

"Bleedin' hell," Old Reg muttered beside me. "Look." 

Half a dozen teenagers were hanging from the wall, they were streaked with blood and emitting low, guttural moans. It looked like something out of a video nasty, which is quite apt I suppose. In the middle of the dirty floor the twins were trussed up like Christmas turkeys. Their eyes widened as they saw us. I suppressed the urge to say Serves you right.

Old Reg nudged me and I looked in the corner, there was Desmond, glowering and skeletal his red hair now wispy falling in a  matted comb over across his face.

"They tried to take the nasties," he said more to Reg than me. "They're all in order like you told me Reg."

I looked at Reg, I had no idea he'd told Desmond to do that all those years ago.

"Well done boy," Reg said weakly.

I gazed around at all the rat bones and carcases all over the place, that is obviously what Desmond had been living on. I always wondered why The Abandoned Video Shop didn't have a rat problem; now I knew.  

"They're bad, they'll pay." Desmond said motioning toward the strung up teenagers.

"I think they've paid enough," Old Reg said.

"No!" Desmond screamed, his voice banging off the walls and making his captives moan even more.

Desmond moved toward us slowly like he was enjoying seeing our terror. Old Reg let out a fear fart that added a new dimension to the smell of the under basement. Desmond edged closer and we couldn't move. His face was old and contorted, but I could still, just about, see the teenager in it.

"That'll do Desmond," a voice from behind me said.

I looked around to see Mr. Apollyon's smiling face.

"I have some dinner for you," he held up a bag of squirming, squeaking rats.

Desmond snatched the bag and retreated to the corner.

I looked at Mr. Apollyon in shock.

"Nice holiday?" he enquired.

"Very nice," Old Reg said.

"Good," he smiled. "Now let me deal with this little situation."

You didn't argue with Mr. Apollyon, unless you wanted a little situation of your own.

About half an hour later all the teenagers came up from the under basement, with Mr. Apollyon laughing and singing as if nothing had happened. Mr. Apollyon pushed the twins Leslie and Lesley toward me.

"I think you should deal with these two," he said. " A rap across the knuckles."

"And Desmond?" I asked.

"Back to work organising the nasties."

With that Mr. Apollyon left with the laughing teenagers.

"On the bright side," Old Reg said. "At least Desmond didn't ask for bleedin' back pay."

 

The Owner

 

Terrible Tales of the Under Basement Part 2

"I don't know why you keep them bleedin' twins," Old Reg banged on as we nervously descended the dark, clammy staircase to the under basement.

"Well," I mumbled not really knowing what to say next.

"I'll tell you who I liked," Old Reg said nearly losing his footing on the damp step. "Young Desmond, now that was a hard workin' Saturday boy, remember him?"

"Yes I said shining my torch toward the gloom.

"I'll never know why you got bleedin' sacked him."

"I didn't," I said recalling the spotty face and goofy grin of Desmond. "I thought you did."

"Me?" Old Reg replied stopping dead. " I liked him the silly lookin' sod."

"So if you didn't sack him and I didn't," I said my voice trailing off into the darkness.

"Then what bleedin' well happened to him?"

"When did you last see him?" I asked Old Reg, who let out a large fart that echoed and slid off the dank walls.

"Well that's funny 'cause it was when we were takin' all the video nasties down to the under basement. Then he came up with you."

"No he never," I said a chill edging down my back. "I thought he came up with you."

"No," Old Reg said. "That bleedin' means-"

"We locked Desmond in the under basement with the nasties."

"Nearly thirty bleedin' years ago."

"Then Desmond is the evil of the under basement," I said as we both gazed into the gloom with renewed terror.

TO BE CONTINUED.....

The Owner

Tales of the Under Basement Part One

 

When me and Old Reg got back to the Abandoned Video Shop from our holi-holiday in Eastbourne we both knew something wasn't quite right.

"I know a legal bleedin' high when I smell one," Old Reg said sniffing the air like a blood hound.

"They've had a bleedin' party here."

The they, he was referring to, was our Saturday help twins Lesley and Leslie; and I had to agree they had had a bleedin' party. Even though Lesley and Leslie had tried to hide it, the tell tale signs were all about. Me and Old Reg seldom indulge in Jager Bombs and laughing gas, so when we found lots of empty canisters behind the Charlie Sheen section my worst fears were confirmed.

"I said you should've  given them the bleedin' elbow ages ago," Old Reg said in his best I told you so voice.

Suddenly it hit me.

"You don't think they..." my voice trailed off as my guts hit spin cycle.

"Found the Nasties?" Old Reg said looking concerned, which is always a concern.

Video Nasties were a very big thing when we first opened our doors, real money spinners, and we had one of the greatest collections anywhere. All the gory, gruesome titles you could imagine. But when they were banned ( and all of ours were ) me and Old Reg couldn't stand to part with them so we took all the videos and put them in our under basement, that's the dark basement below our basement. And we left them, almost forgetting they existed. Until we started hearing noises from the under basement. Strange bangs, crashes and anguished cries.

"The nasties have melded together into pure evil," Old Reg deduced.

We informed Mr. Apollyon and he just smiled broadly and told us not to go near the under basement.

"If they've got in there," Old Reg said. "They could've let the bleedin' video nasty evil out." 

"We've got to look," I said rubbing my sore head and hoping this was a concussion induced dream like I'd had on holi-holiday.

"This ain't a dream," Old Reg said reading my mind. "And were off to the bleedin' under basement so tool up."

To Be Continued...

The Owner

Holi-Holiday ends...At Last

Eastbourne: Conclusion.

 

"But I thought you said it wasn't Billy Fury's metatarsal," I said still a little confused by Old Reg's sudden appearance.

"I lied, I've known what they've been up to from the start" he replied flatly.

"But," I tried to add something, but nothing came.

"Billy was a mate of mine and a bleedin' nice bloke and I'm not lettin' them do this."

"So how do we stop Billy Fury's resurrection?" I said uttering a sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say.

"We burn the bleedin' Bone Museum down," Old Reg smiled producing what looked like a Molotov cocktail.

"But Mr. Apollyon, Mrs Brannigan, and that other woman are in there," I said.

"They're all evil."

I couldn't argue with that.

We edged down the darkened alley, the shadows seeming to crawl all over us. Just as Old Reg was about to light the oil soaked rag, at the top of the bottle, Mr. Apollyon stood in front of us a look of pure rage etched into his face. At his feet was the weird white faced kid crouched.

"What are you idiots doing?" he said.

"I'm not lettin' you do that to Billy," Old Reg yelled.

"I've put a lot of money on with Paddy Power that Billy Fury will come back and win next year's Britain's Got Talent and you morons will not ruin that," Mr. Apollyon neatly explained.

With lightning speed Mr. Apoyllon leaped forward and snapped Old Reg's neck, his limp body flopping to the floor. The weird white faced kid yelped with joy and started to bite into Old Reg's leg. Then Mr. Apollyon came toward me, his eyes burning, blazing red.

"What about the Abandoned Video Shop,I squeaked. "Who'll run it with us dead?"

I felt his icy hands on my neck, gripping tighter and tighter.

"What is he talkin' about?" I heard a female voice say. "Billy Fury, video shops?"

"It's OK nurse," Old Reg replied. "He's a bleedin' idiot."

The swirling mists cleared.

"Where am I?" I asked.

"In hospital," Old Reg said. " You banged your head remember?"

"I had this dream," I mumbled. "It was all a dream."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah Dorothy," Old Reg said. "We'll be back at the Abandoned Video Shop by tonight."

"Thank God," I muttered then fell back into the swirling mists.

The Owner.

Bad Last Day of the Holi-Holiday

Eastbourne Thursday.

 

"I've had a bleedin' good time this week," Old Reg said to me as I nursed my sore head. "You can't beat these old Eastbourne birds."

"I thought we might do something together, seeing it's our last night here," I said sounding more than a little pathetic.

"Can't, I've got to meet up with-"

"I can guess," I said not wanting to hear any more.

"You're a youngish man," he said looking me up and down. " Get bleedin' out there, get-"

"Chlamydia?" I said sounding peevish, which I have a lot on this holiday.

"That was uncalled for," Old Reg said farting loudly then leaving.

He was right on a couple of scores. It was uncalled for and I was youngish; so I decided to hit Eastbourne on my last night in town.

I wandered into the centre, looking over my shoulder for the weird white faced kid. But thankfully he wasn't about. Preoccupied, I realised I'd wandered near the back alley where the Bone Museum was. I casually glanced down there and, to my shock, I saw Mr. Apollyon standing,  talking to the woman who works at the Museum. I held back and they didn't see me, but their conversation seemed heated and Mr. Apollyon grabbed her by the neck. At that moment Mrs Brannigan came out from the Bone Museum. To my even greater shock she was stark naked.

"Are we gonna do this?" she said holding up the two head shaped bags. " Or are you two going to keep farting about?"

With that they all went into the Museum.

"I think I know what they're bleedin' up to," Old Reg said standing at my shoulder and nearly making me jump out of my skin.

"What?" I asked still shaking.

"They're resurrecting Billy Fury and we've got to stop them," he said stern faced and for once not farting.

 

To Be Continued...