Burke and Hare: Beware of Them.

"Look at this!" Old Reg shouted holding up a battered looking video cassette. And that is saying something at The Abandoned Video Shop. "It's Burke and Hare."

"I didn't even know we had that," I said of the cheap 70's British horror film.

"I'm bleedin well in it," Old Reg smiled with pride.

So we sat down and watched it, Old Reg was all fidgety like he had worms.

"So who do you play?" I asked.

"I've got about five parts as I remember."

The film started with one of the worst theme songs you will ever hear.It didn't take me long to realise time hasn't been kind to Burke and Hare. The cheap period sets did battle with the cheap period costumes.

"How much did this film cost?" I asked Old Reg.

"Not a lot," he grumbled. "But we made the most of it."

We pressed on as Derren Nesbitt and Glynn Edwards hammed it up glouriously as the titular grave robbers Burke and Hare.

"I could tell you a thing or two about Derren Nesbitt," Old Reg smiled lost in memory.

As the film was littered with pretty young women, I didn't really want to hear about Old Reg and Derren Nesbitt's antics.

"There I am, as that fruit seller," he shouted. "Bleedin' pause it."

But pausing the tape just made the picture worse.

"Well that was me."

I took Old Reg's word for it, who would lie about being in this film.

I was finding Burke and Hare unwatchable. But Old Reg was yammering about trying it on with Yutte Stensgaard and Francoise Pascal.

"Both slapped me round the face," Old Reg said sullenly. "and Yutte kicked me in the balls to boot."

Old Reg would fidget and shout "there I am". But it was impossible to make him out as policeman, student doctor, or brothel customer.

When it finally finished Old Reg let out a sigh and said  "They don't make 'em like that anymore."

"Thankfully," I mumbled under my breath.

"Now I'm gonna find more bleedin' films I was in," Old Reg shouted disappearing into the vast labyrinth of cassettes we have at the Abandoned Video Shop.

The Owner