Burke and Hare: Beware of Them.

"Look at this!" Old Reg shouted holding up a battered looking video cassette. And that is saying something at The Abandoned Video Shop. "It's Burke and Hare."

"I didn't even know we had that," I said of the cheap 70's British horror film.

"I'm bleedin well in it," Old Reg smiled with pride.

So we sat down and watched it, Old Reg was all fidgety like he had worms.

"So who do you play?" I asked.

"I've got about five parts as I remember."

The film started with one of the worst theme songs you will ever hear.It didn't take me long to realise time hasn't been kind to Burke and Hare. The cheap period sets did battle with the cheap period costumes.

"How much did this film cost?" I asked Old Reg.

"Not a lot," he grumbled. "But we made the most of it."

We pressed on as Derren Nesbitt and Glynn Edwards hammed it up glouriously as the titular grave robbers Burke and Hare.

"I could tell you a thing or two about Derren Nesbitt," Old Reg smiled lost in memory.

As the film was littered with pretty young women, I didn't really want to hear about Old Reg and Derren Nesbitt's antics.

"There I am, as that fruit seller," he shouted. "Bleedin' pause it."

But pausing the tape just made the picture worse.

"Well that was me."

I took Old Reg's word for it, who would lie about being in this film.

I was finding Burke and Hare unwatchable. But Old Reg was yammering about trying it on with Yutte Stensgaard and Francoise Pascal.

"Both slapped me round the face," Old Reg said sullenly. "and Yutte kicked me in the balls to boot."

Old Reg would fidget and shout "there I am". But it was impossible to make him out as policeman, student doctor, or brothel customer.

When it finally finished Old Reg let out a sigh and said  "They don't make 'em like that anymore."

"Thankfully," I mumbled under my breath.

"Now I'm gonna find more bleedin' films I was in," Old Reg shouted disappearing into the vast labyrinth of cassettes we have at the Abandoned Video Shop.

The Owner

Sharknado : Old Reg Jumps the Shark.

 

 

Who don't want to see a bleedin' flick called Sharknado? The owner of the Abandoned Video Shop, that's who. He told me to watch that rubbish by meself, well his loss.

I think Sharknado is based on a true story, because I seem to remember something like that happening. You see a massive storm hits L.A. ( Los Angeles, not Little 'Ampton ) and loads of sharks come in land and get swirled up in these tornado's, hence the name of the flick. They don't just throw this old rubbish together you know. And you learn things from these flicks, who knew sharks could not only thrive out of water, but fly quite well. David Attenborough don't tell you that kind of useful stuff, you have to get it from bleedin' Sharknado. Anyway, it's also about a family torn apart (at times literally ) coming back together through the every day adversity of hungry, flying sharks. The cast is mainly actors whose careers will never take off and those on the slide. You don't star in Sharknado if everything in the garden is rosy now do you? The special effects are some of the best I've seen, but I didn't have me bleedin' glasses on, so I could be wrong there. The end got a bit silly, two people cutting their way out of a shark was a bit far fetched, spoiling the well researched authenticity of all that had gone before. No matter what you think of Sharknado, I know I'll feel a little more weary next time I walk around Eastbourne pier.

Old bleedin' Reg. 

Twixt : A Tale of Two Coppola's.

"Well there must be two bleedin' Francis Ford Coppola's," Old Reg said after we finished Twixt the second film we pulled out of our big box of videos given to us by Mr. Apollyon. And I have to agree with him. Twixt was written and directed by Francis Ford Coppola and it is not only a million miles from his best, this might well be his worst.

Val Kilmer plays Hall Baltimore a down on his luck horror writer, who while on an unsuccessful book tour is asked by the local sheriff ( Bruce Dern ) to view a body in the morgue. I'm sure it happens more than you think. Well this leads to all sorts of dull, inconsequential  shenanigans as the film lurches and lumbers  making the 90 minute running time feel interminable. Baltimore starts having nightmares haunted by Edgar Allan Poe ( Ben Chaplin ), these dream sequences look like all the stuff that was left on the cutting room floor from Twin Peaks. And only adds to the complete lack of suspense that pervades Twixt.  The whole thing is not helped by Val Kilmer who gives sleepwalking through a performance a bad name. There's not much point in saying much more, only that if you are ever unlucky enough to have the opportunity to watch Twixt, just refuse the offer. Decorum forbids me telling you what Old Reg thought of it.

The Owner 

Byzantium : Vampires Doing What They Should.

Every January Mr. Appolyon brings in a big box of videos and slings them on the floor saying :

"See what you two make of that lot."

In truth me and Old Reg enjoy this yearly ritual, it gets us away from the Dolph Lundgren and Molly Ringwald videos we spend all year tending to at The Abandoned Video Shop. We look at that box of vids as our Cannes Film Festival.  

The first one Old Reg picked out was Byzantium. Our hearts sank a bit when we saw it was vampires. These days vampires are all callow youths and doe eyed girls, but thankfully Byzantium  wasn't like that.

 "Gemma Arterton's in it," Old Reg said trying to sound matter of fact but he has had a crush on her ever since she wandered around in those cut down jeans in Tamara Drewe.

Anyway Gemma Arterton and Saoirse Ronan play Cara and Eleanor a particularly blood thirsty mother and daughter  who take up residence in a run down Hastings hotel, like they wouldn't be spoilt for choice there. They are hiding out from a shadowy group of uber vampires, yep there's always a shadowy group of uber vampires. But, just for a change, there is a very involving and quite complex flash back story. Director Neil Jordan (this is his best film for a while ) keeps the whole thing moving at a fair old pace and it is well played by all concerned. But it is nice to see vampires back doing what they should, ripping things apart and bathed in blood. Edward and Bella wouldn't last two seconds with Cara. Byzantium got our box of videos festival off to a good start. But as Old Reg said : "There are a lot bleedin' worse things in Hastings than vampires."

The Owner

The Once Mighty Fall

Even though I own The Abandoned Video Shop I take no joy in the closure of the last Blockbuster stores. I passed  an empty one the other day and it was a sad sight. Going out to rent a title has now died and I'm surprised there is not a little bit more lamenting the loss. Remember back, when it was an exciting thing going to Blockbuster and seeing all those titles, all the new releases all lined up. OK, Blockbuster put an end to most of us little video shops, like the Internet has put pay to them. But going out and getting a film was an experience. Even when the one you wanted wasn't there, you wouldn't come away empty handed. Alright, you could get a stinker, but you could also discover a gem. We've all done that and revel in the joy of watching it again a few hours later. So what now? Download, order up, watch and you haven't even left the settee. Where's the fun in that, you haven't earned the film, you haven't gone and got that specific one, held it and felt a tinge of achievement. You haven't shown any enthusiasm or effort just pressed a few buttons. Then the film is served up like fast food. Something we have all done for the past thirty odd years, OK in diminishing numbers, has just died shouldn't we all feel just a little sadness?

The Owner 

What's A Video?!

I went to look in a few Charity Shops on Saturday, like most people do. And if it isn't old women behind the counter, it is usually a couple of gormless looking teenagers. No doubt getting some cushy work experience under their belts. Well that is what faced me in one charity shop.
"'Ere what's this," one of the idiot teenagers said holding up a video cassette.
"Dunno," his moronic mate replied. "Is it one of them vinyl LPs or something?"
With that the first teenager launched the video in the bin. I was shocked, like they had just thrown a bag of kittens into the river.
"That was a video!" I shouted.
They looked at me like a was an idiot or something.
"Do you know what people watched before videos?" I continued.
They shook their heads.
"Nothing. It was endless terrestrial dross. Then came video and everything changed."
They looked uncomfortable and even the smelly customer, which all Charity Shops have by law, left swiftly.
"A whole wonderful world of film opened up for everyone lucky enough to own a VHS and if it wasn't for that video cassette you just disrespected," I pointed at the spotty, gormless gitt. "The world would be a colder,sadder place. Everything your nasty generation holds dear is due to the video."
I stopped and proudly stood my ground.
"Get lost you nutter or we'll call the manager," the bigger of the two sneered.
"Yeah get lost grandad," the other piped up.
I wanted to say get the manager  but they looked feral enough not to need him.
"You can have this then," one shouted and threw the cassette at my head.
I looked at the video, on the ground, after it had bounced off my bonce, it was Rocky IV. I picked it up and dusted it down.
"Come on," I said to it. "You're going home."
And I took it back to the Abandoned Video Shop, here it now sits happily with the other two hundred and fifty copies we have of Rocky IV.
The Owner.

Strippers vs Werewolves : How Far Did You Get?

Mr. Apollyon brought  a massive box of videos into The Abandoned Video Shop this week.

"What are those?"Old Reg asked him.

"Strippers vs Werewolves," he replied.

"That sounds bleedin' good," Old Reg said excitedly. He likes werewolves and loves strippers so he was obviously enthusiastic.

"How did you get so many?" I asked Mr. Apollyon.

"Someone got me to invest in the film," he replied a scowl crossing his face.

"Did you make much money?" Old Reg asked.

"No."

"Bet you're not talking to that bloke anymore," Old Reg replied.

"No one is," Mr Apollyon said flatly

A shiver ran down my spine.

"Well enjoy," Mr. Apollyon said. "Or try to."

With that he left.

"Well stick it on," Old Reg said happiest I'd seen him for a while.

It didn't last long. Five minutes in and we both were very glad we wasn't the person who got Mr. Apollyon to invest.

"How many bleedin' people from Eastenders are in this crap?" Old Reg said all enthusiasm evaporated.

We turned it off after ten minutes shaking our head and looking at the big box of videos.

"I don't think anyone could've watched that to the end," I said.

"I still like strippers though," Old Reg said.

"I'm glad," I said. "Now let's go burn the rest of them in the backyard."

"Good bleedin' idea, at least they will keep the rats warm."

The Owner.