Holi- Holiday Diary .: What we did at the Bone Museum

 

Eastbourne Tuesday

"Perhaps it was a bleedin' rat," Old Reg said when I told him about the scratching at the door last night.

"It was talking," I replied.

"Perhaps it was Roland Rat."

I didn't bother telling Old Reg about seeing Mrs Brannigan on the pier, because he launched into a tawdry story of his antics the previous night that made a mad woman conducting demon birds seem like an episode of the Telly Tubbies.

"So what we bleedin' well doin' today?" Old Reg said after his nasty story was, thankfully, concluded.

I shrugged.

"I picked this leaflet up downstairs," he said handing it to me.

"The Eastbourne Bone Museum?" I said unable to keep the shock out of my voice. "I'm not sure I want to walk around a bone museum."

"Well I do have a couple of phone numbers from ladies I met last night," Old Reg smiled. "Perhaps we could-"

"The bone museum it is then!"

The bone museum was hard to find, but eventually we discovered it down a back road off a back road. It looked like one of those shops from a horror anthology, I almost expected Peter Cushing to greet us.

"Hello," the woman behind the counter said cheerily. "Have you come to see our new exhibition?"

"I sincerely doubt it," Old Reg said being his usual rude self.

"It's Dog Bones of the World," she said sounding like we would be mad to miss it.

"That seems interesting," I lied.

"What's that bleedin smell?" Old Reg asked her.

"Bones," she smiled.

The Bone Museum was pretty dull, as Old Reg said : "If you've seen one bleedin' bone you've seen 'em all." and he was right. But they did have a celebrity section, which included Billy Fury's metatarsal.

"That's not Billy Fury's metatarsal," Old Reg said firmly. "I'd know Billy's metatarsal anywhere."

As we left thoroughly bored the woman behind the counter stopped us.

"Could you give this  to Mrs Brannigan," she said handing us a head shaped bag much like the one we had given her yesterday from Mr. Apollyon.

"Of course," I said hiding my shock and curiosity; the woman didn't look like the type to answer questions.

"Shall we look in it?" Old Reg said when we were a fair distance from the bone museum.

"I-I don't know," I replied.

"Let's bleedin' well look."

 

TO BE CONTINUED... 

The Owner

Holi- Holiday Diary

EASTBOURNE MONDAY :

"I know exactly what to do with that," Mrs Brannigan smiled as I gave her the head shaped bag from Mr Apollyon.

Me and Old Reg just looked at each other. Mrs Brannigan was a jovial, red faced woman, but there was an edge to her that I could never quite make out. At her feet, as usual, sat the weird white faced boy. We have been coming here for a fair few years and the kid never seems to age, he just looked at you like he was wondering how you'd taste with chips.

"You two are in room 15 as always," Mrs Brannigan smiled.

"There's only 14 bleedin' rooms," Old Reg said being his usual stroppy self. "And we're always in 15, why's that?"

"You know what curiosity did to the cat," Mrs Brannigan grinned as if to end the conversation. Which it did.

The rooms at the boarding house are pretty basic and that's selling them short. Or as Old Rag always says: "This bleedin' place reminds me of The Scrubs in the 50's". 

Later I watched Old Reg get ready to go out, all suited and booted and wearing aftershave that smelt like Brimstone for Men. He liked to hit the town first night.

"Feeling lucky?" I asked him.

"Luck don't come in to it.I'll tell you what, to these old birds of Eastbourne, I'm George bleedin' Clooney." Old Reg said straightening his tie and letting rip with a loud fart.

"Knock 'em dead George," I said as he left  the room leaving  a combination of Brimstone for Men and rotten eggs behind him.  

I decided to go for a little evening stroll myself. As I wandered along Eastbourne pier, remembering it was used in that God awful Brighton Rock remake,I caught sight of Mrs Brannigan tipping something into the sea below. I kept my distance and as she continued large black birds started swarming around her. They certainly weren't gulls and too big for ravens, what the bloody hell were they? She waved her arms around, like she was conducting them and they swayed and weaved in time with her movements; then she started laughing like a loon so I edged away, in case she turned around. 

I went back to my room unnerved, to say the least. I must've fallen asleep because I woke up to what sounded like scratching and whispering at my door. Old Reg hadn't come back, so he must've got lucky. Was that my name that was being said?

TO BE CONTINUED

The Owner.

Bates Motel: Psycho 90210

After the success of Hannibal, Norman Bates is the next iconic serial killer to get  a TV refit, re imagining (add your own re here) with Bates Motel. 

Set in the present day, no doubt budgetary concerns stopped it being set in the late 40's early 50's, we meet Norman (Freddie Highmore) and mother Norma (Vera Farmiga) as they discover Mr. Bates dead of an apparent accident, but seeing we know the family history I get the feeling that might be called into question later in the season. 

Well to get away mad mother and son buy, yep you guessed it, a run down motel. And here's where the show really started to kick in, just one look at that iconic house and all the visions of Hitchcock's Psycho come flooding back. And everything is beautifully recreated just how we know and love it.

 Norman soon falls in with the local college kids, ending up at a party which seems to be held by someone who looks like a renegade from Twilight. So the show takes on a kind of Psycho 90210 vibe. 

But that is not to say Bates Motel is not dark and gory, there was a very disturbing scene and some neat, tension filled twists. 

All in all it was a strong opening episode; the ever reliable Vera Farmiga was good as Norma and Freddie Highmore looked and sounded  convincing as the young Norman. 

But you have to wonder which horror icon is next for a TV make-over, will we be getting Freddy Krueger- The Janitor Years? Come to think of it I'd watch that.

The Owner.

Holi- Holi-day

"It's that time of year again," Mr. Apollyon announced as he walked into the Abandoned Video Shop.

Old Reg grumbled under his voice, and plonked himself down in his chair, because he knew what was coming.

"Time for your free holiday gentlemen," Mr. Apollyon smiled.
 "I know Mrs. Brannigan is looking forward to seeing you both at the boarding house,"

"Yes, and Eastbourne is so nice in Autumn," I said trying to sound enthusiastic.

"What's that smell?" Old Reg asked.

"It's probably my new aftershave," Mr. Apollyon replied. " It's Brimstone For Men."

"Bleedin' hell does that mean there's a Brimstone For Women," Old Reg said.

I looked at Mr. Apollyon apprehensively, but he let the comment slide. I noticed he does that a lot with Old Reg.

"Will your Saturday twins be going this year?" Mr. Apollyon asked, meaning Leslie and Lesley.

"I'm afraid not," I said perhaps a little too sheepishly.

"No they said they'd rather have needles in their bleedin' eyes," Old Reg chipped in.

"That can be arranged," Mr. Apollyon said flatly.

There was a razor silence.

"I've sorted out all your travel, as usual," Mr. Apollyon smiled. "So have a good time."

We waited, because we knew what was coming next.

"Oh yes and give this to Mrs Brannigan," Mr. Apollyon added handing me the familiar head shaped bag. "So I'll see you gentlemen when you return, I know you'll have a great time."

With that Mr. Apollyon left.

"Brilliant," Old Reg mumbled. "Another bleedin' holiday at the Bates Motel."

"Oh no it will be nice," I said trying to sound enthusiastic but falling flat.

We both looked at the head shaped bag, every year we have to deliver it to Mrs Brannigan.

"One time we'll look in that bleedin' bag," Old Reg said.

"We do and the next year we'll be in it," I said.

"Oh well, I s'pose I'd better get bleedin' well packed," Old Reg said getting up and farting loudly.

TO BE CONTINUED...

The Owner 

Community

                                                        

I was looking forward to the Horror Channel's premiere of British chiller Community, it sounded like it could have a good dash of Eden Lake mixed in with  more than a little The Hills Have Eyes, but sadly it really fell flat in most all departments.

Isabelle (Jemma Dallender) and Will (Elliott Jordan) venture on to the run down (that's putting it mildly) Draymen Estate to make a student film on urban deprivation, or something like that. Immediately they are confronted by some very eerie looking kids who are busy torturing and killing animals. How else do you fill your time on derelict estates? But that is nothing compared to the grunting youths, who give us their best impressions of the Dawn of Man segment from 2001 and their plainly super psychotic parents. But Isabelle has an alternative reason for her venture into the Draymen, she is being blackmailed to search out the Estate's hyper addictive weed crop. Our duo soon fall foul of the residents and their uber creepy leader Auntie ( Paul McNeilly). 

With Community all the ingredients are there for a rattling good scare fest, but writer, director Jason Ford fails to deliver.

We don't get to know Isabelle and Will before they enter the Draymen, plus they are not really the most sympathetic of characters. Just because Isabelle is being blackmailed doesn't mean we should automatically feel sorry for her. Jason Ford should have watched Eden Lake, at least, another fifty times before embarking on this project.

 The pace of the film flags dreadfully at times, I've never been so glad to see an advert break.With the possible exception of Auntie, none of the characters are that interesting, or desperately frightening. This is one Community that needed a little more care.

The Owner

Old Reg and The King

I'm starting to think Old Reg knew Elvis. It's only that when he is asleep Old Reg does two things farts and mumbles about Elvis. But it is as if he is speaking to him. 

He says things like "Yo Elvis is it alright if I take the Cadillac tonight?" and "I thought I was singing back up on Polk Salad Annie."

OK, these might be the ramblings of a boarder line senile old man, but if I mention Elvis to him, Old Reg clams up and tries to change the subject. I did catch him once watching Harum Scarum with the biggest smile on his face, but when I walked in he turned it off. Was Old Reg in it? I'm starting to think he might've been the only Brit in the Memphis Mafia. But, as I've said, I know nothing of his background, Old Reg came with the shop when I took it over. Previously it was an undertakers and as the man who sold me the shop said: "People need videos more than they need coffins these days apparently." And, for a while I agreed with him as I couldn't cope with the demand. But, now I'm starting to doubt his words. 

Anyway, Old Reg was just sitting there the day I moved everything in and he has been here ever since. So it's quite possible Old Reg lived in Graceland and knew the King. One of these days I'll have to watch Harum Scarum, just to see why Old Reg looked so happy.

The Owner

Sinister: Good and Creepy

Mr. Apollyon visited us yesterday at The Abandoned Video Shop, if you have forgotten he is the mysterious man who gets us all the new releases on video. He gave us a copy of Sinister saying: "Watch this with the lights off."

To which Old Reg replied: "The lights are always bleedin' off here."

Anyway we did what Mr. Apollyon said, it's always best to do what Mr. Apollyon says, and watched Sinister in darkness. I phoned up the Saturday help, twins Leslie and Lesley to see if they wanted to watch it but they said it was on Netflix, I said OK, making out I knew what that was and I'd see one, or other of them on Saturday.

"Sod 'em," Old Reg said getting impatient. "And fire up the Wharfdale."

Sinister was a good, creepy watch but as Old Reg said "Even bleeding Dumbo would be creepy in this bleep, bleeping shop."

Ethan Hawke plays Ellison Oswalt, a down on his luck true crime writer who moves his family into a house where the previous owners were all hanged in the back garden, well all except for the youngest child who has gone missing. So Ellison feels this will be subject matter of the book that will return him to former glories. In the loft he finds a box of old Super 8 home movies that sends him deeper into the mystery and horror. Sinister is very much in Stephen King territory, but director Scott Derrickson, who was also co-writer along with C. Robert Cargill, keeps the tension levels up with lots of good jumps. Old Reg tutted every time I jolted from my seat. Ethan Hawke holds the film together well, with a conviction that carries us with him. The main villain Bughuul is quite scary, as Old Reg said: "He looks like me after a night on the beer." And I had to agree, but if anything Old Reg looks worse. E

ven if it does stick to the tried and trusted horror traditions, Sinister is a good creepy watch.

The Owner