Run For Your Wife: Norovirus For The Soul

A few months back we had thousands of copies of Bula Quo! left on our doorstep, here at the Abandoned Video Shop. Well someone must've thought that was a good idea, because now we've had thirty thousand copies of Run For Your Wife dumped on us. They came with a note that said : Every copy in existence, please look after them.
After we had dragged them all in we thought we might as well have a look. And as Old Reg said : "Bleedin' hell this makes that Bula Quo thing look like The Godfather."
And was he ever right.
Written and directed by Ray Cooney ( Let's name and shame ) Run For Your Wife is a farce in every conceivable aspect, except when it comes to humour. Cab driver John Smith ( Danny Dyer and he is ) gets bashed on the head and his weak attempts at bigamy come unravelled with hilarious consequences. Yep, chirpy chappie John has two wives and I'm losing the will to live just telling you about it so imagine how bad it is to watch. Both of our Saturday help twins, Leslie and Lesley had to leave due to vomiting brought on by abject boredom. The thing is this film is not just outdated and a complete laugh free zone, it stinks on every level ever invented. And it is not like you can pick out the terrible performances, everyone is at it.Neil Morrissey as best friend Gary has never been worse and Denise Van Outen is so bad she physically left a smell behind her while we were watching.
"Is that you on the pickled onions again?" I said to Old Reg.
"No it's her she's so bleedin bad," he said pointing at a gurning Ms Van Outen.
And there is Danny Dyer stuck in the middle of all this, just as terrible as everyone else, only he's on screen longer so he seems worse. The only bright spot in this, like a fifty pence piece stuck in a dog turd, is Sarah Harding's midriff. It is on show quite a lot and could hold its own in a much better film. ( And all films are much better than Run For Your Wife. ) Add to this Devil's goulash a million  walk on cameos from a million actors who should know better and you have the Gold Standard dreadful film, all it really needs is an Adam Sandller US remake to top off the whole experience.
We have now put all the thousands of copies of Run For Your Wife with all the Bula Quo's in the deepest, darkest room in the Abandoned Video Shop and firmly locked the door. Let's just hope they don't breed.
The Owner

We Are Open Again After An Emilio Estevez Crisis..

It has been a while since we have had any communications here at the Abandoned Video Shop, but we had a major problem. One of our walls started to bow ( the shop is seriously showing its age ) sending our complete Emilio Estevez collection crashing down. Sadly Old Reg was having a snidey fag and was buried beneath thousands of copies of Maximum Overdrive, Wisdom, Men At Work and Young Guns II. I told him smoking could harm his health, but he never listened.We were naturally very concerned, being trapped under that many bad films can cause all sorts of damage and Old Reg is, as his name gives away, old. Me and the two Saturday help twins Leslie and Lesley shovelled away The Breakfast Club and St Elmo's Fire by the score and all the time we could hear Old Reg's groans. Much like the groans he let out when he watched Wisdom.
  It took many hours but we finally pulled him out battered and bloody.
"Emilio Estevez came to me dressed as a bleedin' angel," Old Reg said as we dragged him out feet first. "He saved me bleedin' life."
We didn't really have the heart to tell Old Reg he had just been in an Emilio Estevez landslide. So we let him go on thinking he has a saviour who was in Repo Man.
The Owner.

Stitches Ruins National Video Month

Well National VHS and Beta Video Month was a disaster at The Abandoned Video Shop. Just as we though we had solved the problem of the thousands of Bula Quo! copies that were dumped on us. A similar thing happened with a film called Stitches. Twelve thousand were left at our door, totally blocking us off from the outside world. The Quo thing was bad, but Stitches was worse. We watched a copy and to say we were not impressed is an understatement. Ross Noble, you know that lethargic comedian off Have I Got News For You, plays a seedy, down at heel children's entertainer / clown Stitches. Well he hates kids, a fresh take on things there, and goes to a birthday party full of little brats and ends up dying in a very nasty manner. So years later Stitches comes back from the dead to cause murder and mayhem at the same kids sixteenth birthday party. I'm bored writing about it, but you can imagine how dull and gory it all is. Ross Nobel's performance is a master class in apathetic disinterest. And his delivery of the films, flat on their face, zingers is a wonder to behold.
We put up a big sign saying Take these videos please. But more kept turning up. We could now build a three bedroom house with the copies of Stitches we have.Please no more. We need help!
The Owner

Bula Quo! Problems Mar The National VHS and Beta Video Month

Who would have thought the twenty seven thousand copies of Bula Quo! left mysteriously ( although Old Reg called it maliciously after watching the film ) on our doorstep should cause such problems on the first Saturday of National VHS and Beta Video month. Our plan was to give the first twenty seven people through the door of The Abandoned Video Shop a thousand copies each. Well you have never seen such rude and ungrateful people at being given a thousand videos in your life.
"A thousand?" The first customer said. "What am I going to do with a thousand of these bloody things?"
"Give them as presents," I suggested.
"I don't hate anyone that much," he replied and wandered off.
"Perhaps we should bleedin' well give them one copy each," Old Reg said and I nodded seeing the logic there.
Well you have never seen such rude and ungrateful people at being given a free video in all your life. And a copy of Bula Quo! hurts when it is thrown at your head believe me, it hurts nearly as much as watching it.
So after a quite busy first Saturday of the National VHS and Beta Video Month, we now have twenty six thousand nine hundred and eighty five copies of Bula Quo! still up for grabs. So it looks like you won't have to rush if you want one.
The Owner.

The Opening of National VHS and Beta Video Month!

I left the booking of the stars, who are coming to The Abandoned Video Shop, to sign their videos, this month to Old Reg. Well it was his idea. As he put it: " You get a lotta these idiot geeks in if you've got old stars coming."

So I was very excited to see the list of  stars Old Reg had coming for National VHS and Beta Video Month.

"Wow," I exclaimed on scanning the list. "Sly Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Arnie, Kurt Russell,Rita from Coronation Street."

"Yep,"Old Reg smiled proudly. "And they all look like them as well."

"Look like them?" I asked. "What do you mean look like them?"

"Lookalikes," he said still smiling proudly.

"The real people are not coming?"

"Course not," Old Reg said shaking his head. "As if you can get Rita from Coronation Street just like that."

Oh well, so if you want to see some top rate lookalikes why not pop into the Abandoned Video Shop this month.

Oh yes, before I forget, just because it is National VHS and Beta Video Month, that doesn't mean we are a dumping ground. Last night someone left twenty seven thousand copies of Bula Quo on our doorstep. So, under the principle that if fly tippers give you lemons, make lemonade. We will give the first twenty seven people through the door tomorrow a thousand copies of Bula Quo each. That is on a first come first serve basis.

The Owner

 

 

 

Wake In Fright : Don't Watch Just Before You Go To Bed

Our mysterious supplier, at The Abandoned Video Shop, Mr. Apollyon recently brought in a new batch of videos for National VHS and Beta Video Month.And I can't tell you how excited we are by it.

"Watch this one," he said handing me a video. "It's good."

If Mr. Apollyon says it's good, then it is.

"Wake In Fright?" I said looking at the vivid orange cover. "Don't think I've heard of it."

"It's an old 70's film. It was lost," Mr. Apollyon smiled. " And now it's found."

With that profound sentence still hanging in the air he left.

"This rings a bleedin' bell," Old Reg said reading the back cover as we sat to watch it. "But I think it was called somethin' else."

Wake In Fright is more than good, it is an unnerving classic. Gary Bond plays John Grant a school teacher in the Australian Outback, who sets off for Christmas in Sydney. But makes the big mistake of staying over night in the mining town of  Bundanyabba. John reluctantly gets sucked into the dark world of the Yabba, as the locals call it. Firstly by gruff, hard drinking and unnerving  local law Jock Crawford ( excellently played by Chips Rafferty. Who Old Reg said was a mate of his way back.) After losing all his money gambling John is stuck in the Yabba and ends up spiralling down in the company of Doc Tydon ( a fantastically  creepy Donald Pleasence ). His days become booze fuelled and manic, and you do feel the heat, the flies, and decidedly hung over watching Wake In Fright. The mad thing is, John is not dragged down by cruelty, but by kindness. He is welcomed everywhere with smiles and copious amounts of booze. Try one of those film drinking games with Wake In Fright and you might not survive. At the dark heart of the film is a savage, nasty night time kangaroo hunt, that in any other film would seem vicious and unnecessary, but here it fits perfectly as we all spiral down together.

Wake In Fright deserves to sit with other rediscovered classics like The Wicker Man. The only thing, don't make the mistake I did and watch it just before you go to bed. If you do, a fitful night of disturbing dreams await.

The Owner.

National Video Day Is Here!

We have been a little quiet at The Abandoned Video Shop lately because we have had a little referb. But we are back open this Saturday because, as you no doubt know, it is National VHS and Beta Video Month in May. Yes, following National Record Shop Day, or whatever that thing is called. The more successful video equivalent is here. Just as the vinyl records are taking off with faded hipsters and bandwagon jumpers. Then why not video? Now I mean all you lot who think the muffled sound of vinyl is great, then why not go back to the raw edge of video ( VHS or Beta )? Why do you need the crystal clear, crisp edges of  Blu Ray when you can have the savage reds and blurred faces of video. It is how films are meant to look. Yep, so ditch the new technology and celebrate with us. When you buy that old LP for fifty times the price you got rid of it for in the 1990's, so why not pick up all your old videos? Come on it's not that different and you know it.

So keep tuned in as we will be announcing some big stars who will be signing their videos at the Abandoned Video Shop in the month to come, as National Video Month will make the Cannes Film Festival look like a Knobbly Knees Competition at Pontins.

The Owner.

Invasion of the Musical Rats Part One

We have had a bit of bother here at the Abandoned Video Shop. We have been infested with 1980's Musical rats. I know that sounds a bit odd, but things can get a bit odd around here. You see we have quite a few of rooms  and over the years we have closed a lot of them up. Especially as demand for VHS faded. Although it has never faded from our hearts, has it? Anyway, me and old Reg would gather up all our surplus copies of a film, that is any over fifty and just dump them in a room and, well, seal her off for good. Much like the Ancient Egyptians did, only they did it with bodies and riches not old VHS tapes that no one really wants. One such room contained all our no longer needed copies of Footloose and Dirty Dancing. We closed it up and thought no more about it until last  week; when Leslie, one of our Saturday help twins, came up to us and said she could hear musical  squeaking coming from a room. Me and Old Reg went to listen and sure enough Leslie was right.

"It Sounds like Let's Hear It for the bleedin' Boy," Old Reg said, with his ear pressed firmly to the door.

"We've got 80's musical rats," I said as the squeaks changed to The Time of My Life."

"They've eaten all the bleedin' copies," Old Reg said.

Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but VHS tape not only records, but embodies the film itself. So if you eat it, the film becomes part of you forever. Now don't try this at home, because every film can have its hidden hazards. Besides tape doesn't taste that great, believe me. But this is something that doesn't bother rats.

"What that noise?" Leslie said.

It was a collective, unnerving scraping sound.

"They're dancin' like Kevin bleedin' Bacon," Old Reg said a look of concern crossing his craggy face.

"What does that mean?" Leslie asked.

"It means we've got trouble," I replied.

The Owner

TO BE CONTINUED...

Burke and Hare: Beware of Them.

"Look at this!" Old Reg shouted holding up a battered looking video cassette. And that is saying something at The Abandoned Video Shop. "It's Burke and Hare."

"I didn't even know we had that," I said of the cheap 70's British horror film.

"I'm bleedin well in it," Old Reg smiled with pride.

So we sat down and watched it, Old Reg was all fidgety like he had worms.

"So who do you play?" I asked.

"I've got about five parts as I remember."

The film started with one of the worst theme songs you will ever hear.It didn't take me long to realise time hasn't been kind to Burke and Hare. The cheap period sets did battle with the cheap period costumes.

"How much did this film cost?" I asked Old Reg.

"Not a lot," he grumbled. "But we made the most of it."

We pressed on as Derren Nesbitt and Glynn Edwards hammed it up glouriously as the titular grave robbers Burke and Hare.

"I could tell you a thing or two about Derren Nesbitt," Old Reg smiled lost in memory.

As the film was littered with pretty young women, I didn't really want to hear about Old Reg and Derren Nesbitt's antics.

"There I am, as that fruit seller," he shouted. "Bleedin' pause it."

But pausing the tape just made the picture worse.

"Well that was me."

I took Old Reg's word for it, who would lie about being in this film.

I was finding Burke and Hare unwatchable. But Old Reg was yammering about trying it on with Yutte Stensgaard and Francoise Pascal.

"Both slapped me round the face," Old Reg said sullenly. "and Yutte kicked me in the balls to boot."

Old Reg would fidget and shout "there I am". But it was impossible to make him out as policeman, student doctor, or brothel customer.

When it finally finished Old Reg let out a sigh and said  "They don't make 'em like that anymore."

"Thankfully," I mumbled under my breath.

"Now I'm gonna find more bleedin' films I was in," Old Reg shouted disappearing into the vast labyrinth of cassettes we have at the Abandoned Video Shop.

The Owner

Sharknado : Old Reg Jumps the Shark.

 

 

Who don't want to see a bleedin' flick called Sharknado? The owner of the Abandoned Video Shop, that's who. He told me to watch that rubbish by meself, well his loss.

I think Sharknado is based on a true story, because I seem to remember something like that happening. You see a massive storm hits L.A. ( Los Angeles, not Little 'Ampton ) and loads of sharks come in land and get swirled up in these tornado's, hence the name of the flick. They don't just throw this old rubbish together you know. And you learn things from these flicks, who knew sharks could not only thrive out of water, but fly quite well. David Attenborough don't tell you that kind of useful stuff, you have to get it from bleedin' Sharknado. Anyway, it's also about a family torn apart (at times literally ) coming back together through the every day adversity of hungry, flying sharks. The cast is mainly actors whose careers will never take off and those on the slide. You don't star in Sharknado if everything in the garden is rosy now do you? The special effects are some of the best I've seen, but I didn't have me bleedin' glasses on, so I could be wrong there. The end got a bit silly, two people cutting their way out of a shark was a bit far fetched, spoiling the well researched authenticity of all that had gone before. No matter what you think of Sharknado, I know I'll feel a little more weary next time I walk around Eastbourne pier.

Old bleedin' Reg. 

Twixt : A Tale of Two Coppola's.

"Well there must be two bleedin' Francis Ford Coppola's," Old Reg said after we finished Twixt the second film we pulled out of our big box of videos given to us by Mr. Apollyon. And I have to agree with him. Twixt was written and directed by Francis Ford Coppola and it is not only a million miles from his best, this might well be his worst.

Val Kilmer plays Hall Baltimore a down on his luck horror writer, who while on an unsuccessful book tour is asked by the local sheriff ( Bruce Dern ) to view a body in the morgue. I'm sure it happens more than you think. Well this leads to all sorts of dull, inconsequential  shenanigans as the film lurches and lumbers  making the 90 minute running time feel interminable. Baltimore starts having nightmares haunted by Edgar Allan Poe ( Ben Chaplin ), these dream sequences look like all the stuff that was left on the cutting room floor from Twin Peaks. And only adds to the complete lack of suspense that pervades Twixt.  The whole thing is not helped by Val Kilmer who gives sleepwalking through a performance a bad name. There's not much point in saying much more, only that if you are ever unlucky enough to have the opportunity to watch Twixt, just refuse the offer. Decorum forbids me telling you what Old Reg thought of it.

The Owner 

Byzantium : Vampires Doing What They Should.

Every January Mr. Appolyon brings in a big box of videos and slings them on the floor saying :

"See what you two make of that lot."

In truth me and Old Reg enjoy this yearly ritual, it gets us away from the Dolph Lundgren and Molly Ringwald videos we spend all year tending to at The Abandoned Video Shop. We look at that box of vids as our Cannes Film Festival.  

The first one Old Reg picked out was Byzantium. Our hearts sank a bit when we saw it was vampires. These days vampires are all callow youths and doe eyed girls, but thankfully Byzantium  wasn't like that.

 "Gemma Arterton's in it," Old Reg said trying to sound matter of fact but he has had a crush on her ever since she wandered around in those cut down jeans in Tamara Drewe.

Anyway Gemma Arterton and Saoirse Ronan play Cara and Eleanor a particularly blood thirsty mother and daughter  who take up residence in a run down Hastings hotel, like they wouldn't be spoilt for choice there. They are hiding out from a shadowy group of uber vampires, yep there's always a shadowy group of uber vampires. But, just for a change, there is a very involving and quite complex flash back story. Director Neil Jordan (this is his best film for a while ) keeps the whole thing moving at a fair old pace and it is well played by all concerned. But it is nice to see vampires back doing what they should, ripping things apart and bathed in blood. Edward and Bella wouldn't last two seconds with Cara. Byzantium got our box of videos festival off to a good start. But as Old Reg said : "There are a lot bleedin' worse things in Hastings than vampires."

The Owner